Below is Marisol Thomas’ Honoree speech given at the 2017 Global Lyme Alliance New York Gala on October 11, 2017, printed in full with her permission.
When the Global Lyme Alliance reached out to me to say they wanted to honor me, my first instinct was to say no. Actually, my first instinct was to run and hide.
I’m not the usual success story that you hear about in these speeches. I’m not at the end of my long journey. I’m deeply in the midst of it. To be completely honest, I’m in pain right now, and I was actually so worried that I wouldn’t physically be able to make it here tonight.
I don’t like to lie. And when I was approached to be honored, I feared that by accepting it and standing up here in front of you all, it would be just that. A lie.
Even after I agreed to be a part of this amazing evening, I had second thoughts every day. I kept thinking that if everyone could see me on the days and days that I spend in debilitating pain unable to get out of bed, they would realize that I shouldn’t be here.
Then, just after my husband and family had convinced me to do some interviews to talk about what I’ve gone through, things shifted. I started to hear from other voices.
Voices that sounded like me. Some who have been in this same struggle, fighting to hold on just one more day. Some that have lived in pain for so long, having no idea what’s happening to them, that they start to believe maybe they’re going crazy. People who have spent decades going to the best specialists around the world and still have no answers.
These people started to reach out to me, thanking me for sharing my ugly story because it either helped them finally start to look in the right direction or just to simply say that it felt good to know that they weren’t crazy and they weren’t alone.
I have late stage Neurological Lyme Borreliosis, Babesiosis, Bartonella, and a host of other coinfections. To make things even more challenging, I also have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disease that was triggered by the Lyme infection, when it unbalanced my immune system sufficiently to trigger the autoimmune mechanism.
Living with these multiple diseases has quite literally stolen my life. I went from being a happy and fulfilled person to just existing. There isn’t a day or even a moment where I’m not in pain. Many days so excruciating that I lose track of the hours that have passed.
On the days where people see me out and about with a smile, they don’t realize that I’ve just learned to function at a level of pain that most people couldn’t imagine. Each day is about surviving somehow.
My Mom’s daily mantra and mine has become JSS. Just Survive Somehow. This disease has affected my family and all my relationships in such a huge way that it pains me to even talk about it.
As someone with late-stage neurological tick-borne disease, I have joined a club of people with a stigmatized illness. One that many don’t understand or want to believe. And that many doctors don’t even want to treat.
Having this disease feels like Groundhog Day in constant pain. It feels like you’re standing still just existing, unable to participate, as the world continues without you.
It is extremely isolating and you feel completely alone, as no one, not even the people who love you most, can understand the pain you live in every minute of your life.
So sadly many times, along with struggling to survive, you also feel the need to defend yourself daily. Desperately hoping to be believed.
The heartbreaking truth is that you will lose people on this journey. Some who can’t believe that anyone can be that sick with so many different symptoms for so long. Some who just get tired of you canceling plans at the last minute. And some that just can’t understand why you don’t get dressed, go out and get over it.
The sad reality is that when people don’t understand something, most of the time they don’t believe it. Nobody can really understand unless they have gone through it.
Those who stay, who really love you, who really want to help and try hard to understand your situation, still can’t grasp what you’re feeling, and many days you’re left feeling isolated and lonely in spite of all their efforts.
This leaves us feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. I feel guilty for being sick. For letting the people I love so much down time after time.
I have no control over it, and it’s not my fault, and yet it crushes me. Because I know my illness affects everyone around me.
As grim as my current situation is, I am one of the lucky ones. I have doctors who are willing to provide open-ended treatment and stand by me, no matter how long or how many twists and turns this journey takes me on.
And I’m also blessed to have a great support system.
I have a core group of wonderful people that have literally saved my life. Even though they probably don’t really know it.
My closest friends, don’t realize that just by sending me a text letting me know they are thinking of me, and are there for me, can brighten my day even when I’m unable to respond.
Getting weekly pictures and videos of my beautiful nephew Gavin, who I don’t get to see as often I want, helps me still feel a part of his life.
My Mom and Dad who have sacrificed so much in their lives to make sure I got all the opportunities they never had. And now continue to sacrifice trips and dinners, just to make sure they are always here for me.
My dogs…my boys…which, if you know me, are my world. Whose unconditional love, give me a reason to get out of bed some mornings.
And last but certainly not least, my husband, who is not only my best friend, but also literally my other half. No one will ever understand how much he has sacrificed in order to be with me all these years.
They have no idea that moments before he goes on stage in front of 15,000 people, that he was just on our bus, administering some medical therapy on me, that he learned and perfected better than most nurses I’ve ever met. Only to go and finish his show, jump off the stage, and come right back to help take care of me and our boys, who as luck would have it, are special needs as well.
His fans think he’s a wonderful person and they’re right. They just don’t know how right they are.
But I know that many people out there are not as blessed as I am to have this kind of love and support.
They are suffering in silence with nowhere and no one to turn to. I have cried learning how many suicides occur due to how unbearable life becomes for some and having no one believe them. They just want relief from their pain, and for someone to believe their story. This is all any of us want.
So after struggling so much with accepting this honor, it is for all those people out there suffering and feeling alone and isolated, that I decided I must not only keep fighting, but also help bring awareness to this very real, very life threatening disease that is so stigmatized and misunderstood.
It was my own feeling of isolation that led me to Yolanda’s book. I used to love to read so much. I was always buried in a book. But for the longest time it has physically hurt me to try to focus on the words on a page due to my visual disturbances, and sadly I just slowly stopped reading.
But I found a way to read her book from cover to cover. There was a sad irony in reading about someone else’s struggle while the simple act of reading itself put me in excruciating pain, but seeing someone else’s pain mirroring mine helped me to focus. And it was the first book I was able to read in over two years.
That’s when I realized what the word ALLIANCE in GLOBAL LYME ALLIANCE truly stood for.
For those of us who live with this disease that makes us feel so alone and isolated, to find a group of people who feel exactly the same way and still find a way to get up every day to continue to fight to get to other side, somehow gives you strength.
Sometimes having an alliance to support you is the difference between those of us that make it and the far too many who don’t.
So while I don’t feel much like someone who should be honored here tonight, I do feel that it’s an honor to be a part of this amazing alliance that is fighting tirelessly to give us a voice and help find a cure. So that others won’t ever have to suffer this way again.
So thank you for allowing me to be a part of something so much greater.
Marisol’s speech moved the more than 700 people in attendance at GLA’s 2017 New York Gala–both patients and non-patients. For patients, they identified with Marisol’s moving and heartfelt words. For non-patients, they got a very real glimpse into living with Lyme disease, including dismissal by doctors, the daily struggle to exist, and the impact it takes on the patient’s circle of family and friends. Special thanks to Marisol Thomas for giving permission to Global Lyme Alliance to reprint her speech from GLA’s 2017 New York Gala. Mari, we honor and thank you.
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